Chapter One. Take Me to Your Weeder.

Being made aware of Imminent universal destruction wasn’t something Milly Moon had planned for on a Saturday morning. She didn’t expect to find out the universe was full of all that stuff scientists say can’t exist. Like super-sticky black holes, odd socks, intergalactic space cruisers and lots of unwashed dark matter underpants. She’d planned for some Tutti Frutti ice cream.

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang,’ went the Universal Translator around the neck of one of the bright green, smartly spacesuited aliens.

'Brave earth monkey girl, your planet is about to be squashed!'

'What?'

'And soon all Earthlings will be like atom sized beings from the Alpha Quadrant, carrying an unfeasibly massive being from the Beta Quadrant, flat.'

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang,’

Your galaxy is about to be squished! '

'What?'

This was typical of your average alien. No good morning, how ya doing ? Or did you see that program on interdimensional bananas last night? Nope, just doom, doom, doom and raspberry ripple ice cream. Aliens love ice cream.

The Nuons had crash landed in Milly’s garden when the stricken mass of their Class 6 and Three Quarters space cruiser, the Atomic Kettle, had burst through Earth’s blistering blue atmosphere. Anti-gravity engines failing, the fire blackened spaceship had struggled to keep pace at near light speed..

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang,’

'Enormous Earth baby you must lead us to the centre of the Universe so we can use the Guardian Key, prevent total and complete annihilation of the planet and save its ice cream,’ said the aliens leader..

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang,’

‘Wait, please stop zwanging!’ said Milly.'

‘First my name is Milly Moon and I’m not a baby or a monkey.’

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang.’

‘No, hang on, we had a deal. No zwanging.’

‘Apologies brave Milly of the Moon. Please do not fear us, for we come in peace and can assure you we have only recently washed our dark matter underpants. I am Sub_Vector_ 355466_of Nova Quadrant_23, but you may call me Vector. Please allow me to introduce my fellow Nuons, Prime, Boxplot and Fraction.';

Vector placed the deadly proton confusion laser he’d been holding back into its holster and adjusted a few dials on his spacesuit.

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang.’ ;

Then he stepped urgently forward and spoke in a beautiful and complex alien language.

‘Bingy (bangy # bat ) bums,’.

‘I’m sorry, I seem to be having a little trouble…,’;

‘Dingle (dangle / doggy) # drink,’

‘With the Universal…,’

‘Sling (slang # soggy) socks,’

‘Translator,’’

‘If you’re asking for a clean pair of socks, no problem. A drink for your alien doggy, I’m on it. But I’m afraid I draw the line at bat bums,’ said Milly.

A second little cupboard - shaped alien stepped forward.

‘Vector, allow me to attempt to communicate with the moon creature,’ said Prime. The oldest and wisest of the alien’s crew.

‘Milly, allow me to explain,’ he said.’

‘ A small, neat panel in his spacesuit opened. A tiny metallic hand popped out holding a long sheet of paper. Prime's voice sounded like an old radio in a rusty tin bath. He began to read.’

'Far back within the mists of time,

when the Universe was mainly grime,

some atoms sat a thinking.

They read large books, their contents dense,

whose titles seemed to make no sense,

like 'X times Y' and 'Ooops, the Universe is Shrinking'.

The atoms put on overalls,

formed working groups of molecules,

and set about expanding.

The molecules in time grew fat and chunky,

and formed things like a cat or monkey,

their work was quite outstanding

But give or take a billion years,

and in amongst their hopes and fears,

some beings of the Universe remembered.

The Nuons cried,

that time was short and they evolved,

they thought some more and then resolved,

A key was made to stop the crush,

avoid the cat and monkey mush.

And though now sadly ,

our verse is ending,

and universal doom is pending,

just stop and think of the Nuons.

We are the Nuons and here is the key.

We may be small, it may be lacking,

but help, the Universe is cracking!'

but help, the Universe is cracking!'

The little metal hand gave a flourish and zipped back into Prime's spacesuit, the small panel door snapping shut after it. '

'Milly Moon, soon to be saviour of Planet Earth, the Universe is in grave peril. We must meet with your supreme overlord. He will be the strongest among you, a leader of earthlings and he will probably be called something like, Star Defender, Planet Master or Galaxor the Great.'

'There's Mr Oddangle, he's my maths teacher,' suggested Milly.

'I’m sure he’ll know something about aliens. Today's the school fair. It's not far, we can walk there. But we’ll have to keep a very, very low profile,' she grinned and looked at her shiny new friends.

The grin soon disappeared. The Nuons couldn't have stuck out more, even if they'd had flashing neon signs on their heads that said, 'Kiss me quick the Universe is ending'.

Milly had to think of something, fast.

'You seem worried Milly Moon,' said Vector, a glowing green alien with a bright red space helmet.

And it had to be good.

'Perhaps there's some space plasma up your nose,' said Prime, another shiny green alien with a fluorescent orange space helmet.

It had to be very good.

‘Can I offer you a four dimensional handkerchief?’ asked Boxplot, a shiny green alien in a bright blue space helmet.'

It had to be very, very good.'

‘Laser go bang, bang!’ said Fraction, a shiny green alien with an itchy trigger finger.'

And it had to be very quick.

'Disguise!' shouted Milly.

'I'll dress you up from the old clothes box. That could work.'

Before you can say subatomic transvectored inter-transmutational pencil case, Vector, Boxplot, Prime and Fraction were disguised.

'Allow me to introduce the four aunties of Milly Moon,’' she said with a cheeky grin.

‘Tonight Vector, a long time lover of raspberry ripple, is wearing a stunning pink feathered hat atop his space helmet. Wrapped around him we find a superb, green cardigan, stretched to breaking point and buttoned up in galactic style down to his ankles. He hopes for world peace and has all his own teeth,’

‘Prime, a veteran of space and time is modelling a hand knitted, green and brown striped jumper. Fashionable on most of the outer planets, here he allows one arm to drag behind him on the floor, in a cheeky, molecular kinda way. He likes lemon ices and breaking light speed.’

‘Boxplot, all science and pure style, wears a chunky, understated brown coat. A bold blue bobble hat pulled tight over his space helmet say’s everything about his multi dimensional chic. He likes million digit numbers and zero gravity hamsters.’

‘Fraction, our own laser toting vision of alien loveliness displays a shimmering, red satin dress that hugs him like an intergalactic bag of old spuds. And on top a cowboy hat finishes the go get em look. He likes vaporising and more vaporising,’'

Show over, Milly grabbed her rucksack. She packed a few things that may come in handy on the journey. Some biscuits, a few bags of pink sherbet sweets, some chocolate peanuts, a few doughnuts and a copy of her favourite book, The Unbelievable Adventures of Space Cadet Millenium Spoon and her Rather Handy Proton Confusion Laser. Part One - The Square Root of Evil is a Very, Very Big Number (please Note: It is in fact 23,236).

The undercover Nuons followed Milly out of the red brick cottage. They crossed the vegetable patch with its newly planted Class 6 space cruiser and stopped at the wooden gate onto Water Lane.

'Brave Nuons,’ said Milly,

‘you are about to visit an alien world, full of strange sights, sounds and smells. But don't worry, I'll guide you to our very own Mr Oddangle. Oh and one last thing, please keep to a single file at all times and this is very important, do not, I repeat, do not vaporise anything at all. Thank you.'

Vector turned and spoke to the Nuons.

Translation:

'Brave Nuons, we are about to visit a strange alien world that probably smells. But do not fear, for Milly Moon will guide us safely past some very odd angles. Oh and one last thing, please keep to a single file at all times and set lasers to maximum. We may need to and this is very important, vaporise anything, I repeat, vaporise anything we see. Thank you.'

All the Nuons stood bravely shoulder to shoulder, looking like a line of old ladies at an interstellar bus stop.'

'Milly Moon your time has come, take me to your weeder.'

Vector mumbled and adjusted the Universal Translator.

'I'm very sorry about that. Now where was I? Ah yes, Milly Moon, your time has come, take me to your leader!'

‘Bzzzt, zip, bzzzt, zip, plink, plink, zwang, zwang.’